May 2023: On friendship
Friendship has been named the rarest form of love. C.S. Lewis wrote that we picture lovers looking into each other’s eyes, face to face, but friends stand side by side, looking ahead at a joint vision.
I have been blessed with a few very good friends. As I was in the company of some of them last weekend, I realised how essential friendly encounters are for healing. We laughed, we ate, we walked, we built things in a park, we chatted, we caught up. Friends are a little of you outside and that is why, when Rosina passed away, my experience was like I lost a wing or a leg. Moving without her was – and still is to a certain extent – wonky.
My husband Neil is fond of discussing Dunbar’s number, which suggests a cap of meaningful social relationships of 150 people. I wonder if there is a similar number for the more select category of friends. And, beyond meaningful social relations and friends, I also wonder what would be an appropriate word for the requests one gets through social media. Certainly friend does not feel like the right term since many of those I encounter there I have only met once or communicate with for a particular reason. I don’t stand side by side with them looking in the same direction. It does not even give me the illusion of friendship and I would worry if it did.
What is a good friend?
They have integrity.
They tell you the truth as they see it, with honesty, and are able to open it for discussion.
They have time for you and they pay attention.
They are loyal, and they put you before other people.
They are empathic, feel with you, laugh and cry with you.
They are able to listen without judgement.
They hold you and allow you to hold them.
They support what you do and don’t do.
You have mutual respect for each other.
You enjoy each other’s company.
You know each other’s boundaries and forgive.
You allow each other’s growth and celebrate it.
While friendship per se is reserved to a few people in one’s life, one can adopt a quality of friendliness towards all. In the yoga tradition, this quality is attributed to the sun and it is the first of 12 highlighted essences of the bright star. The sun is the friend of all, it shines equally on everyone, even if we don’t see it and feel it. Maitri, friendliness, is the first of the brahmaviharas – abodes of brahma, or divine attitudes. The others are compassion, joy and equanimity, all of which are already somewhat contained in friendliness.
One of the hardest things in friendship is when it is not mutual and results in what Neil calls unclear fallout:
An unclear fallout is when you stop being friends with someone but you don’t quite know what happened. There was never a dramatic confrontation or a formal parting. Instead, you are left with a residual feeling of unreciprocated affection.
I have been on the receiving end of this and it has left me scars that are still here, 23 years later. I think all my friendship break-ups have been more painful than romantic break-ups. My past boyfriends are my friends, and now that we have found the right relation between us, we can blossom. But with fallen-out friends, there is no relational category to put them in: strangers, acquaintances? It feels so poor in comparison. Unrequited friends.
And there is one very important aspect of friendship and friendliness, not often talked about. In her metta meditation, Kia offers the most beautiful form of words: … may you be held in friendliness … I notice that when metta, loving-kindness, is directed towards myself, the words are hard for me to speak from a place of truth. I have heard my teacher Sudhir say that one’s compassion is not complete if one is not compassionate towards oneself and the same is true for friendliness. I want to be a good friend so how can I be more friendly towards myself? This will be my practice for the next month.
Laura x
This month’s offering
I have been reading Ralph Waldo Emerson’s seminal essay on Friendship, first published in 1841. He calls the friend the masterpiece of nature because they affords us the ability to see ourselves through another, in flesh and blood, and learn from that experience. Friendship for him requires more than simply liking someone: it is a deep spiritual recognition based on the respect of each other’s deepest essence. Friendship demands some effort but the riches it returns are tenfold.
♀️My Yoga Moves Glasgow classes run at the Arlington Baths until the end of June:
Yoga (Mysore) | LIVE |
Tuesdays, 07.15 – 09.00
Thursdays, 07.15 – 09.00
All classes are open for booking here.
Pranayama at Yoga Rose in Blantyre on Saturday 24 June, 10-11.15am. Book here
Royal Conservatoire of Scotland classes take place during term time.
For staff: (generally) Tuesdays 1-2pm. Contact HR for details.
For students: Fridays 1-2pm. Get in touch with Meg Baker at RCS Sports for details or check out the RCS Sport instagram feed.
Keep an eye for new pranayama classes at Studio 70 in the South side of Glasgow from August.
