The loss of an object
Let me, first, tell you about the loss. I am mourning my PhD. Its content, the work, the hardship, my relationship with my supervisor, the safety of its structure, its intensity, everything. I even miss the exam (about which I will tell you some other time, soon). My lost object manifests itself in the most unexpected places. Last night, it was in the dance studio, which was so instrumental in keeping my sanity during the last months. I thought I would start crying and froze in fear at the idea of having to explain what was happening to me. What have I lost, exactly?
I should not be surprised by this phenomenon. I have experienced it many times, with broken hearts and the stopping of my analysis. We all have, more or less. yet, the absence of the love object is always unexpected. I should be feeling relief, joy, pride. I don’t. Not yet, at least.
I don’t know how long this will last, or how I will recover, how my mind and my body (for I feel it in the body, a kind of hollow) will take the decision to move on. There is not much more I can say. The only thing I can do, for the time being, is to keep occupied, carry on as normal, dance from this loss, think about work, talk to people, write, get back to writing here and tell you about the last months of the research.
Flashing Nipple Remix, #3. 2005
3 black and white transparencies in light boxes.
38 x 48 x 5″ ; Edition of 3 + AP
2 thoughts on “The loss of an object”
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Mmhh, i think you could also describe this symptom as a ‘relief psychosis’. That is the biiiig hole that opens up after doing a long term and stressful project – and then suddenly one has loads of time at their hands again. I think the best thing is to slowly start the next project (phd? 🙂 ) right away.
I’ll take your advice, Michael, you have been there! My plan is to do bits and bobs but not think about anything long term until December, when I will have to think about career, bids, funding, projects etc. in earnest. Meanwhile, I want to live the loss and try to work it out in the dance studio … Which is a slow way to start the next project, I think … So, YES!