It is beginning to dawn on me that the process of undergoing analysis may not be the clean-cut objective and process-based approach to methods I have been thinking about. I will not be able to hide myself behind such and such theory, this or that concept. It will be subjective, and, undoubtedly, things I do not talk much about (like my mother, life before 1999, school, my relationship to my body, not being able to make art and the painful subject of friendship) are going to surface. I will have to approach my less favourite topic of conversation ¬ñmy own self¬ñ and I am not really sure if I am totally prepared for this, or if I ever will. I am not scared, that is not it. I definitely want to go through with it and feel excited about finally doing something more than reading about psychoanalysis. What I have been realising lately is that I have been on the up since I started and there will be times when I am lost, when I don¬ít like it, when I don¬ít know why I am doing it. Psychoanalysis will probably exacerbate that, apart from blurring the boundary between my life and my PhD. What I am trying to say is: it will not be easy, probably it should not be, and I need to know that so I don¬ít get up and leave when things don¬ít go my way.
The very first step, finding a psychoanalyst in Glasgow, was not an straight forward task either. It involved a lot of phoning around, asking questions and trying to stop transactional analysis therapists wanting to help me (I am sure they could be very effective, just not now). It was a little like going for jobs: something told me this or that person was not right until I phoned JS. His approach was completely different to the rest, as if he KNEW. Transference places the analyst as the subject-supposed-to-know and I think this was already happening in that very first conversation. Very curious indeed, as I am not the sort of person to follow that kind of signs… He already had high marks on my list for defining himself as a psychoanalyst (not a psychotherapist) in the British Psychoanalytical Society webpages. I am seeing him on the 27th (aptly, the day my mother comes to visit). I have plan B, and maybe even C, if this does not work out. The key questions to resolve will be: is he a psychoanalyst; does he have a couch; does he want to work with me given my demande d¬íanalyse.