No Pressure

9 December 2004 |

I am submitting my application today if I can resist the temptation to proffread it for the 459th time. I am sure there are things I could do but my eyes won’t see anymore. With 2 part time jobs, a full time course, a social life and a few articles to write, I must let something go. This text is the thing I have most cared for in a long time and I can’t stop thinking of the step it represents. It is very important for me. I feel vulnerable thinking how much I want to do this research. One of my jobs has a lot to do with this necessity, though. I feel trapped, I need to extend the boundaries, I need to be a bit more in control.

During this last 3 months, the feedback on my proposed project as been wonderful: I got given books, my text has been checked a few times for intellectual consistency, articulation and spelling, interesting people have kept my brain away from complacent thoughts and someone whom I want as a supervisor send me a very supportive email even through I still haven’t applied. I can’t complain: people are interested and that is one of the signs of good research.

Because of its reflective and carefully planned nature, the submission feels to have more weight than when I moved countries from Spain to Portugal, then to Britain. Then, I was led by life, love and the need to experiment. I simply had to do it. Now, I lead and I wonder if supporting other people’s research will make mine easier or more difficult. The stakes are slightly higher in my case.

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