I am submitting my application today if I can resist the temptation to proffread it for the 459th time. I am sure there are things I could do but my eyes won’t see anymore. With 2 part time jobs, a full time course, a social life and a few articles to write, I must let something go. This text is the thing I have most cared for in a long time and I can’t stop thinking of the step it represents. It is very important for me. I feel vulnerable thinking how much I want to do this research. One of my jobs has a lot to do with this necessity, though. I feel trapped, I need to extend the boundaries, I need to be a bit more in control.
During this last 3 months, the feedback on my proposed project as been wonderful: I got given books, my text has been checked a few times for intellectual consistency, articulation and spelling, interesting people have kept my brain away from complacent thoughts and someone whom I want as a supervisor send me a very supportive email even through I still haven’t applied. I can’t complain: people are interested and that is one of the signs of good research.
Because of its reflective and carefully planned nature, the submission feels to have more weight than when I moved countries from Spain to Portugal, then to Britain. Then, I was led by life, love and the need to experiment. I simply had to do it. Now, I lead and I wonder if supporting other people’s research will make mine easier or more difficult. The stakes are slightly higher in my case.
…necesitaba tenerte asi al precio que fuera…
…I needed to have you like this at whatever the price…
Law of desire by Pedro Almodovar, 1986
iPod / Philippe Starck’s Juicy Salif Gold, 2000 / Manolo Blahnik’s design for Ossie Clark, 1972
Asolut Vodka bottle / Marcel Duchamp’s La mariee mise a nu par ses celibataires, meme / Lego
Post-it notes / Kevin Robert’s book Lovemarks, 2004 / Sueno amargo by Victoria Civera
Hello Kitty / La ley del deseo, Pedro Almodovar, 1986 / Robert Venturi’s house for his mother, Vanna, Philadelphia, 1964
It must be professional deformation or mental illness. Each time I have to present in front of an audience, about any subject whatsoever, I appear to be the only one who has written it down in grammatically correct text rather that bullet pointed keywords, the only one who has rehearsed and timed the talk, one of the few with an actual point.
You may think that my systematic way of approaching presentations, conference papers or talks is a rigorous sensible one, but I very rarely get any feedback comments or questions apart from ‘oh, that sounds good’ or ‘you seem to have a pretty good idea of what you are doing’. Sometimes I can even hear a ‘phew!’ with that gesture of a hand going over a head.
I can’t wait to start my PhD and distance myself even more from the majority. I think was born to be a small minded researcher who will spend her whole live furthering knowledge for the benefit of other people. That, ladies and gentleman, requires rigour, rehearsals and arguments, to mention just a few qualities.